My whole life waiting

Wow.
I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized I have become someone that I am not.I have become someone who settles for less than my Father says I deserve. I have become someone who refuses to trust the One who has never let me down. I have become someone who blends in with the crowd, who allows my morals and beliefs to be compromised not only day to day, but most times, minute to minute.

I have become a girl who has made God too small. I have become a girl who mistook His unconditional Love as weakness and an excuse to stray because, I knew, He loved me so much that He’d take me back. I used His Love as an excuse to do everything I knew NOT to do, everything I could possibly do to break His heart. And I made no apologies. Who have I become?I don’t like this girl. I don’t know this girl. I want to be a good person, a good mother, a good wife (eventually), and I want to be someone who doesn’t treat her God as a matter of convenience.How do I get back to that place? I’m not really sure.

I do know this much…I’m ready to begin.

I Will Not Let Him Win

Accusation.

It stops you in your tracks!

Like a sharp knife being thrust into your stomach!

That's how it feels!
Yes.That's how it feels.

The Accuser.

Satan.

He's looking for that opportunity to...Attack.

Defeat.

Sidetrack...

Accuse!

That is exactly what he has been doing.

I barely even recognized it for what it was until I found myself in a heap on the floor.

Almost defeated.

Crying.

Saying, "I quit".

I am not the one to lead a small group of college girls.

I am not the one to meet with a college girl on Tuesdays.

I am not the one.

I am not qualified.

I am a hypocrite.

I have not responded well to life's challenges lately.

Withdraw into your home...

into yourself.

Quit.

I often feel guilty for FEELING.

For feeling sad about life's circumstances...

when God is Sovereign.

For feeling angry at injustice...

when God is in control.

For feeling lonely and longing for fellowship...

when God has not provided it.

For feeling hesitant about the future...

when I know that God has it all planned out.

For feeling overwhelmed and like I've had too much...

when I know God says He won't give us more than we can handle.

For feeling, at times, like what I have is not enough...

when God says He will withhold no good thing from me.

For feeling...

Then comes guilt

and accusations...

While reviewing the book of Acts,

and thinking about the disciples

and what kind of men they were,

some verses stood out to me.

It was like they were placed on a billboardwith neon lights!

They said this:
Acts 4:8,13

"Then Peter,filled with (and controlled by)the Holy Spirit...

Now when they saw the boldness

and unfettered eloquence

of Peter and John

and perceived that they were

UNLEARNED AND UNTRAINED

in the schools

(common men with no education)

they marveled;

and they

RECOGNIZED THAT THEY HAD BEEN WITH JESUS."

The disciples were:

Imperfect.

Sinful.

Simple.

Untrained.

They doubted.

They fought among themselves.

They were prideful.

One of them even denied Christ in His darkest hour!

Was it right?

No!

But God used them anyway.

He chose to fill them with His spirit

and enabled them to speak

with"boldness and unfettered eloquence"!

He used them.

As I wrestle with my feelings

and then choose to offer them up

to Him.

Repent...when necessary.

Submit.YET...STILL FEEL.

He chooses to fill me and use me.

I am so grateful.What a mystery!

7 Things Meme

The lovely @Mflanders has tagged me for this meme, so here goes...


1. I used to be a social outcast in elementary school. My mom didn’t have a lot of money and couldn’t afford the things all the “cool” kids had. Add to that, I was extremely smart and used words that were over their heads and you have a little girl that stood alone at recess and ate lunch with the school nurse. I changed schools in eighth grade, became a cheerleader and prettied up. I made lots of friends and became really popular and snobby. I still kind of am. But it’s because, on the inside, I am still really insecure about everything.

2. I had severe post partum depression when my first child was born. I was 18 and, at the time, not alot was known about it so it went untreated. I left him with his dad when he was 5 months old and didn’t see him again until he was 2. His dad gave him back to me when he was two and a half and he’s been with me ever since. (He’s now 10.) I have four kids and I am a total supermom. I think I overcompensate to mask the unrelenting guilt of leaving him for that year and a half. It never lets me rest.

3. I am a lyrics fanatic. I will not like a song until I know what every word is. I look them up on the internet and I also google the meaning behind the song. It doesn’t seem relevant to me until I know what the person writing it was feeling when they wrote it and the actual meaning behind the metaphors and prose.

4. I am generally very laid back and easy going but when I get mad I scare people. I don’t yell or scream. My voice gets very calm and low. And when I am done, you will regret that you pushed me that far.

5. I have always been hypersensitive in that people’s emotions transfer onto me very easily. If someone I am standing close to is feeling an overwhelming emotion…whether it’s anger, pain, happiness…I can physically feel what they are feeling. It’s as if I am going through the exact same thing at the exact same moment. I can’t breathe until they walk away.

6. I was almost kidnapped when I was 14. I was walking home from my Big Mama's and this car slammed on brakes right as it passed me. I started running as fast as I could. He was in his car so naturally he caught up with me and jumped out of his car and grabbed me. I screamed and fought and dropped down to the ground and kicked him as hard as I could in his face. It worked. He let me go and grabbed his face and that gave me enough time to get away. I cut across yards and ditches. I still have scars on my legs from trying to get over a barbed wire fence. I was bloody and muddy and screaming incoherently banging on random peoples doors until this little old lady let me in. She called the police but they never found him. A couple of weeks later, we heard about this girl getting snatched and she'd been killed. I've always wondered if it was that was the same guy.

7. Sometimes I don’t realize that I’m actually talking to myself until people start looking at me.


I tag @Aimee_B_Loved, @technomonk13. @yowhatsthehaps, and @mildmildwest.

His love will heal my soul

Hello, dear readers.

I am sorry for the hiatus, but as I previously mentioned, I have been going through some things. I have been dealing with a lot of pain, anger, frustration, and “Are you freaking KIDDING ME, God?” kind of moments and I haven’t felt like writing. I have been feeling so disassociated from my Father and, if truth be told, it’s been my own fault. I have allowed myself to think that I know better than my God. (Yeah…go ahead and laugh…it’s okay. Lol.) And I have been frustrated because I felt like although God was working THROUGH me, He wasn’t working IN me. I also allowed parts of the old me to resurface and now I am catching HELL trying to put them down again. So, you guys, please keep me in your prayers because out of my Father’s arms is exactly where I DON’T want to be.

But, at the moment, it’s exactly where I am.

GURAH!


For so long, I have felt excommunicated, disassociated, separated from God. Today at lunch, I got in the Pathfinder and made my way to the gym. I had my ipod in as usual. YES, WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

And when I got there, I just felt like I didn't need to go in. A weird feeling.

So I pulled out and started driving. Turned down Broad St and drove all the way out to Midway Road and then left to 93 then through Beachton to the highway and back to Cairo. This is an hour and ten minutes worth of aimless driving.

During all this driving, a song came on my ipod by 33 miles called "There is a God”.
I started crying when it got to the chorus. And I cried. And cried and cried. And I said "God, PLEASE find me because I cant find You right now. " I was screaming the song so loud that I could hear myself over my ipod. Which were full blast. INSIDE MY EARS.

I sang and sang and sang and screamed and cried and started speaking in tongues. And I kept driving and listening to the same song over and over. I said “Oh God, forgive me. I don’t deserve it but please, please, please. Please find me.”

And I started to feel that little swell of peace inside of me. I knew He had forgiven me, AGAIN. And that He loves me no matter what. I am okay now. I am not complete just yet because I have to forgive myself.

I haven’t touched the hem of His garment yet,, but I've got Him in my sights.

SO CLOSE.

Keep praying.

Vague Update

Remember when I thought I knew who Boaz was?

Well...I DON'T. God has shown me alot of things over the past month, some still too painful for me to talk or blog about. I will, don't worry, just...not yet. I have some reconciliation with God to do. And some serious prayer to get into.

I have been having a hissy fit with God because He didn't give me what I wanted. I acted like a spoiled, selfish little brat in the toy store having a temper tantrum. And now, I am beginning to see that, He KNEW what he was doing. Although I am still single, God has shown me that J wasn't right for me. It's hard to let go of something I held so dear in my heart and wanted for so long. God has shown me that I can be interested in someone else and be happy. Sometimes things come out of the blue and you're not ready for them, but you know that God is moving, even if you're not sure in which direction. I have a lot of healing and mending to do, and anything that happens with me will have to happen slowly, but...I think I'm going to be okay.

At least I hope I am.

Things I love

My children. It's like my heart is running around outside of my body. They are my joy, my happiness, my reason for breathing.

Trees in silhouette with or without leaves. There is something strong, somber and beautiful about them.

Laundry fresh out of the dryer. I also like to throw my still warm laundry at my kids because I feel like they should love it as much as I do.

Bread so warm that the butter melts instantly when you try to spread it and absorbs into the doughy goodness.

When the moon shines into my window onto my bed at night.

The smell of Lavender – soap, linen spray, fresh – you name it. I love the smell of lavender.

A really good pub burger. So good you almost have to eat it with a knife and fork. Good bun, good beef, good condiments, good cheese.

The way my neice says my name, especially when she’s nonchalant about it – it’s something like “hi aunt Holli” in a tone that says “hey, I didn’t see you there”

A really good play list in iTunes. I’m very serious about my playlists. I listen to them over and over and remove any song that I don’t feel fits the mood of the rest of the list. It’s an art form and I’m all about perfection when it comes to my choice of music.

Cooking dinner for people I love. It’s a way for me to show people I love them which is so comforting. It’s true; the way to almost anyone’s heart is through their stomach.

Autumn – especially on a day when it is crisp but kind of sunny out. The sky is a slate blue and the trees have changed and the sun dances off of the leaves. Those are my favorite days.

Waking up to rain outside my window on a day when I can sleep in.

Walking into a bar or restaurant and seeing that they have tealight candles on the tables.

Bleu cheese stuffed olives. In large quantities.

Driving my car down the “Tunnel of Trees” on Meridian Road.

Phone dates with faraway friends over coffee on Saturday mornings.

The bookstore in Tallahassee and walking out with way more books than I intended to purchase.

Going to the wine shop and buying a case of wine based on recommendations from others and aesthetic appeal of the labels.

Blue Ball jars filled with fresh flowers.

The smell of Eternity for Men cologne.

The daily phone call from my grandmother.

Going to the movies by myself on a whim.

Discovering new music that I can’t live without.

Feeling so passionate about something it makes me cry.

Curling up in my reading chair with a nonfiction book so full of fascinating information that I have to call everyone I know when I am through reading it just to tell them about it.

Gentle kisses from someone I am dating.

Hearing my six year old tell me I am her best friend in "this whole big ol' life".

I will build you a house. I will go in through the mouth.

RAWR.

I am in a funk. And I don’t know how to get out of it.

I am really struggling with the WHY of it all. WHY does God want me? I don’t understand it. I know that we all fall short of the glory of God. ( Romans 3:23) Duh. That’s a foundational knowledge. But it seems that, personally, I fall WAY short.

I love my Lord. I love Him with all of my heart. And my utmost desire is to serve Him completely. So WHY? Why do I continue to do the things I do? Why do I make inappropriate comments? Why do I have these lustful thoughts? Why do I, at times, even act on said lustful thoughts? Why do I gossip? Why do I get vindictive and mean? Why do I curse? Why do I just deal with my children some days and not parent them? Why do I lie?

RAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.

I am so frustrated with myself. I just keep hearing “not good enough, not good enough” in my head, like it’s on a continuous loop. And, don’t get me wrong, I know EXACTLY who is whispering that in my ear. (‘Sup, Satan?) But knowing who is doing it doesn’t make it any less exhausting. It’s like one of my very best friend’s, Leanne, said, “I just want to wake up tomorrow and be HOLY.”

This journey is far more steep and confusing than I thought it’d be.

Fear not, dear readers, this isn’t me throwing in the towel. FAR FROM IT. Turning back from my God, my Savior, my Father is NOT an option.

You know, people seem to think that Christians always have it easy. That we have everything go just as planned and have no hardship whatsoever.

Ummm…WRONG ANSWER.

Some days it seems that BECAUSE I am a Christian, things are a little harder. What people need to understand is that following God isn’t guaranteed immunity FROM the storms, but the promise of peace THROUGH the storms. (Phillipians 4:7)

Me, personally, I am plagued by so much self doubt. I want to be good enough, be pleasing, be WORTHY. I want the love and teachings of Christ to radiate throughout me and everything I say or do.

Saint Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the gospel at all times -- If necessary, use words.”

That’s my goal. That’s what I am striving for. I want it so bad I can taste it. And it feels like I am failing miserably most days.
I feel like an in depth reconciliation with my Father is in order. I think I will take THIS night and spend it alone with my God. Praising, repenting, praying, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Because separation from my Creator is not acceptable. He is my Lifesource, my Heartbeat, my Breath, my very Existence. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, I cannot survive.

Maybe that’s the reason I am struggling so badly. It seems that even with God in my sights, I lost my joy in the personal relationship I have with Him. I mean, I can talk to the One who created me, the One who loves me with no condition, the One who sent His Son to die so that I might be saved. I can talk to him, I can tell Him what I need, I can physically feel His presence through the Holy Ghost. And maybe, just maybe, I have begun to take that for granted.

It never ceases to amaze me the resolution I find in this blog. I start to blog about a situation or circumstance I am going through, and by the end of the post, I have the solution figured out! (Or at least the beginning of one.)

So, the solution I have come to today? A date with Jesus. Tonight.

Praise, prayer, repentance. And forgiveness.

Yea, God! You are Mighty. I bless Your Name forever and ever!

I went into the land of Judah...

I went into the land of Judah

I will be the first to admit that some days, I let my day-to-day life get the best of me. I let myself get overwhelmed and discouraged and I lose sight of the joy that Christ Himself placed inside of me. It’s almost TOO easy to do because my life, although blessed, is far from easy.

I work a 9 to 5 job making $9.00 and hour and I raise four children alone. Connor is 10, Aubri Grace is 6, Saramichael is 2, and Rylan is 13 months. My life is a whirlwind of work, soccer practices, long division, potty training, baths, house cleaning, school projects, dinner, prayers, and bedtimes. By the end of the day, all I can do is collapse.

As a single mother, the thing I find the hardest to deal with is the financial aspect of the situation. It breaks my heart when my kids want me to buy chips for school snack or need money to buy a book at the book fair and I can’t give it to them because I simply do not have it. I never feel so alone and broken down as the days that I have to flip cushions on the couch and look in the floorboards of my Pathfinder just to try to dig up change to pay for the gas it will take to get my kids to school and myself to work. I can’t describe the embarrassment that I feel when I have to walk into a convenience store and pay for $3.32 of gas with only pennies, dimes, and nickels. It’s hard. But I do it. And I do it with a smile because I don’t want my children to worry. I would much rather them think I am a “cheap” mother than have them know we just don’t have any money.

So, this weekend, I was really upset because I was three weeks behind on our rent and our landlord was calling for it. I was so scared to tell him that I didn’t have it. I needed four HUNDRED dollars. It might as well have been a million. I had 6 bucks to my name. I prayed. I cried. I worried. I stressed out so much that the knots in my shoulders spread to my neck and gave me tension headaches so badly that I was throwing up. What was I going to do? I couldn’t lose our home!

I prayed, “God, YOU said that if I brought my tithes into the storehouse that you would open the storehouse of Heaven. YOU said that. I gave my tithes. Almost every penny I had, God. Move this mountain. I need You to move this mountain!”

No answer.
Nothing.
Nada.

By Monday morning, I was a basket case. I was crying to my friend and I told him, “It is SO hard to praise God when I am asking Him for something that I NEED and he is not helping. But I will press. I will praise Him and love Him and honor Him because, at the end of the day, no matter what, He is GOD. He made all of this- the trees and the skies and the grass. Four hundred dollars seems like the end of the world to me, but it’s nothing to Him.” I looked at my friend (who is NOT a believer) and said “God will have this handled by the end of the day. Watch and see.”

Naturally, he laughed.

So, at 12:00, still nothing. I had almost made up my mind to call my landlord and deal with the consequences. But first, I drove out to the city park. I parked my truck underneath some oak trees and I put in a Judy Jacobs cd and began to praise God. I began to honor Him, magnify Him. I cried out to Him, fervently, DESPERATELY. I began to speak in tongues. The presence of God was so thick in that Pathfinder, I could hardly breathe. At that moment, I truly gave my problem over to God. Not just SAYING I had and in reality still be holding on to it. I gave it to Him.

I dried my eyes, fixed my JACKED UP mascara, and drove back to work. I sat down at my desk at 1:00 P.M.

At 1:30 P.M., a friend of mine stopped by my workplace. He said he’d been saving up for my Christmas present but he wasn’t going to be in town on Christmas, so he was going to give it to me early. He handed me an envelope. We stood there and talked a few minutes and he left. I sat down at my desk and opened up the envelope. All I saw were 20 dollar bills. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way. I began to count the money in the envelope. The twenties came to an exact total of FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.

THAT’S THE GOD I SERVE. A mighty, all knowing, right now God. A God who hears His children and answers their prayers just in time.

I took the money to my landlord and promised him next month I wouldn’t be behind. He told me that I didn’t have to pay rent in December because I had four kids and he wanted them to have a good Christmas. I am crying as I type this. My God not only gave me what I needed, he also gave me the ability to give my children what they WANTED this Christmas.

My friend, Leanne, sent me this devotion and it makes SO much sense…

Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2008

"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).

David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."

When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.

I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
11:32 AM I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.

"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).

It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.


That was what God wanted from me. He wanted to see if I would praise Him in the storm. As Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15).


PRAISE THE NAME OF THE LORD FOREVER! He has blessed me and though sometimes the road gets rough, I will trust Him and he will ALWAYS provide.