hollidotcom

My whole life waiting

2009-07-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

Wow.
I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I looked in the mirror this morning and realized I have become someone that I am not.I have become someone who settles for less than my Father says I deserve. I have become someone who refuses to trust the One who has never let me down. I have become someone who blends in with the crowd, who allows my morals and beliefs to be compromised not only day to day, but most times, minute to minute.

I have become a girl who has made God too small. I have become a girl who mistook His unconditional Love as weakness and an excuse to stray because, I knew, He loved me so much that He’d take me back. I used His Love as an excuse to do everything I knew NOT to do, everything I could possibly do to break His heart. And I made no apologies. Who have I become?I don’t like this girl. I don’t know this girl. I want to be a good person, a good mother, a good wife (eventually), and I want to be someone who doesn’t treat her God as a matter of convenience.How do I get back to that place? I’m not really sure.

I do know this much…I’m ready to begin.

I Will Not Let Him Win

2009-02-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

Accusation.

It stops you in your tracks!

Like a sharp knife being thrust into your stomach!

That's how it feels!
Yes.That's how it feels.

The Accuser.

Satan.

He's looking for that opportunity to...Attack.

Defeat.

Sidetrack...

Accuse!

That is exactly what he has been doing.

I barely even recognized it for what it was until I found myself in a heap on the floor.

Almost defeated.

Crying.

Saying, "I quit".

I am not the one to lead a small group of college girls.

I am not the one to meet with a college girl on Tuesdays.

I am not the one.

I am not qualified.

I am a hypocrite.

I have not responded well to life's challenges lately.

Withdraw into your home...

into yourself.

Quit.

I often feel guilty for FEELING.

For feeling sad about life's circumstances...

when God is Sovereign.

For feeling angry at injustice...

when God is in control.

For feeling lonely and longing for fellowship...

when God has not provided it.

For feeling hesitant about the future...

when I know that God has it all planned out.

For feeling overwhelmed and like I've had too much...

when I know God says He won't give us more than we can handle.

For feeling, at times, like what I have is not enough...

when God says He will withhold no good thing from me.

For feeling...

Then comes guilt

and accusations...

While reviewing the book of Acts,

and thinking about the disciples

and what kind of men they were,

some verses stood out to me.

It was like they were placed on a billboardwith neon lights!

They said this:
Acts 4:8,13

"Then Peter,filled with (and controlled by)the Holy Spirit...

Now when they saw the boldness

and unfettered eloquence

of Peter and John

and perceived that they were

UNLEARNED AND UNTRAINED

in the schools

(common men with no education)

they marveled;

and they

RECOGNIZED THAT THEY HAD BEEN WITH JESUS."

The disciples were:

Imperfect.

Sinful.

Simple.

Untrained.

They doubted.

They fought among themselves.

They were prideful.

One of them even denied Christ in His darkest hour!

Was it right?

No!

But God used them anyway.

He chose to fill them with His spirit

and enabled them to speak

with"boldness and unfettered eloquence"!

He used them.

As I wrestle with my feelings

and then choose to offer them up

to Him.

Repent...when necessary.

Submit.YET...STILL FEEL.

He chooses to fill me and use me.

I am so grateful.What a mystery!

7 Things Meme

2009-01-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

The lovely @Mflanders has tagged me for this meme, so here goes...

1. I used to be a social outcast in elementary school. My mom didn’t have a lot of money and couldn’t afford the things all the “cool” kids had. Add to that, I was extremely smart and used words that were over their heads and you have a little girl that stood alone at recess and ate lunch with the school nurse. I changed schools in eighth grade, became a cheerleader and prettied up. I made lots of friends and became really popular and snobby. I still kind of am. But it’s because, on the inside, I am still really insecure about everything.

2. I had severe post partum depression when my first child was born. I was 18 and, at the time, not alot was known about it so it went untreated. I left him with his dad when he was 5 months old and didn’t see him again until he was 2. His dad gave him back to me when he was two and a half and he’s been with me ever since. (He’s now 10.) I have four kids and I am a total supermom. I think I overcompensate to mask the unrelenting guilt of leaving him for that year and a half. It never lets me rest.

3. I am a lyrics fanatic. I will not like a song until I know what every word is. I look them up on the internet and I also google the meaning behind the song. It doesn’t seem relevant to me until I know what the person writing it was feeling when they wrote it and the actual meaning behind the metaphors and prose.

4. I am generally very laid back and easy going but when I get mad I scare people. I don’t yell or scream. My voice gets very calm and low. And when I am done, you will regret that you pushed me that far.

5. I have always been hypersensitive in that people’s emotions transfer onto me very easily. If someone I am standing close to is feeling an overwhelming emotion…whether it’s anger, pain, happiness…I can physically feel what they are feeling. It’s as if I am going through the exact same thing at the exact same moment. I can’t breathe until they walk away.

6. I was almost kidnapped when I was 14. I was walking home from my Big Mama's and this car slammed on brakes right as it passed me. I started running as fast as I could. He was in his car so naturally he caught up with me and jumped out of his car and grabbed me. I screamed and fought and dropped down to the ground and kicked him as hard as I could in his face. It worked. He let me go and grabbed his face and that gave me enough time to get away. I cut across yards and ditches. I still have scars on my legs from trying to get over a barbed wire fence. I was bloody and muddy and screaming incoherently banging on random peoples doors until this little old lady let me in. She called the police but they never found him. A couple of weeks later, we heard about this girl getting snatched and she'd been killed. I've always wondered if it was that was the same guy.

7. Sometimes I don’t realize that I’m actually talking to myself until people start looking at me.

I tag @Aimee_B_Loved, @technomonk13. @yowhatsthehaps, and @mildmildwest.

His love will heal my soul

2008-12-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear readers.

I am sorry for the hiatus, but as I previously mentioned, I have been going through some things. I have been dealing with a lot of pain, anger, frustration, and “Are you freaking KIDDING ME, God?” kind of moments and I haven’t felt like writing. I have been feeling so disassociated from my Father and, if truth be told, it’s been my own fault. I have allowed myself to think that I know better than my God. (Yeah…go ahead and laugh…it’s okay. Lol.) And I have been frustrated because I felt like although God was working THROUGH me, He wasn’t working IN me. I also allowed parts of the old me to resurface and now I am catching HELL trying to put them down again. So, you guys, please keep me in your prayers because out of my Father’s arms is exactly where I DON’T want to be.

But, at the moment, it’s exactly where I am.

GURAH!

For so long, I have felt excommunicated, disassociated, separated from God. Today at lunch, I got in the Pathfinder and made my way to the gym. I had my ipod in as usual. YES, WHILE I WAS DRIVING.

And when I got there, I just felt like I didn't need to go in. A weird feeling.

So I pulled out and started driving. Turned down Broad St and drove all the way out to Midway Road and then left to 93 then through Beachton to the highway and back to Cairo. This is an hour and ten minutes worth of aimless driving.

During all this driving, a song came on my ipod by 33 miles called "There is a God”.
I started crying when it got to the chorus. And I cried. And cried and cried. And I said "God, PLEASE find me because I cant find You right now. " I was screaming the song so loud that I could hear myself over my ipod. Which were full blast. INSIDE MY EARS.

I sang and sang and sang and screamed and cried and started speaking in tongues. And I kept driving and listening to the same song over and over. I said “Oh God, forgive me. I don’t deserve it but please, please, please. Please find me.”

And I started to feel that little swell of peace inside of me. I knew He had forgiven me, AGAIN. And that He loves me no matter what. I am okay now. I am not complete just yet because I have to forgive myself.

I haven’t touched the hem of His garment yet,, but I've got Him in my sights.

SO CLOSE.

Keep praying.

Vague Update

2008-12-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

Remember when I thought I knew who Boaz was?

Well...I DON'T. God has shown me alot of things over the past month, some still too painful for me to talk or blog about. I will, don't worry, just...not yet. I have some reconciliation with God to do. And some serious prayer to get into.

I have been having a hissy fit with God because He didn't give me what I wanted. I acted like a spoiled, selfish little brat in the toy store having a temper tantrum. And now, I am beginning to see that, He KNEW what he was doing. Although I am still single, God has shown me that J wasn't right for me. It's hard to let go of something I held so dear in my heart and wanted for so long. God has shown me that I can be interested in someone else and be happy. Sometimes things come out of the blue and you're not ready for them, but you know that God is moving, even if you're not sure in which direction. I have a lot of healing and mending to do, and anything that happens with me will have to happen slowly, but...I think I'm going to be okay.

At least I hope I am.

Things I love

2008-12-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

My children. It's like my heart is running around outside of my body. They are my joy, my happiness, my reason for breathing.

Trees in silhouette with or without leaves. There is something strong, somber and beautiful about them.

Laundry fresh out of the dryer. I also like to throw my still warm laundry at my kids because I feel like they should love it as much as I do.

Bread so warm that the butter melts instantly when you try to spread it and absorbs into the doughy goodness.

When the moon shines into my window onto my bed at night.

The smell of Lavender – soap, linen spray, fresh – you name it. I love the smell of lavender.

A really good pub burger. So good you almost have to eat it with a knife and fork. Good bun, good beef, good condiments, good cheese.

The way my neice says my name, especially when she’s nonchalant about it – it’s something like “hi aunt Holli” in a tone that says “hey, I didn’t see you there”

A really good play list in iTunes. I’m very serious about my playlists. I listen to them over and over and remove any song that I don’t feel fits the mood of the rest of the list. It’s an art form and I’m all about perfection when it comes to my choice of music.

Cooking dinner for people I love. It’s a way for me to show people I love them which is so comforting. It’s true; the way to almost anyone’s heart is through their stomach.

Autumn – especially on a day when it is crisp but kind of sunny out. The sky is a slate blue and the trees have changed and the sun dances off of the leaves. Those are my favorite days.

Waking up to rain outside my window on a day when I can sleep in.

Walking into a bar or restaurant and seeing that they have tealight candles on the tables.

Bleu cheese stuffed olives. In large quantities.

Driving my car down the “Tunnel of Trees” on Meridian Road.

Phone dates with faraway friends over coffee on Saturday mornings.

The bookstore in Tallahassee and walking out with way more books than I intended to purchase.

Going to the wine shop and buying a case of wine based on recommendations from others and aesthetic appeal of the labels.

Blue Ball jars filled with fresh flowers.

The smell of Eternity for Men cologne.

The daily phone call from my grandmother.

Going to the movies by myself on a whim.

Discovering new music that I can’t live without.

Feeling so passionate about something it makes me cry.

Curling up in my reading chair with a nonfiction book so full of fascinating information that I have to call everyone I know when I am through reading it just to tell them about it.

Gentle kisses from someone I am dating.

Hearing my six year old tell me I am her best friend in "this whole big ol' life".

I will build you a house. I will go in through the mouth.

2008-11-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

RAWR.

I am in a funk. And I don’t know how to get out of it.

I am really struggling with the WHY of it all. WHY does God want me? I don’t understand it. I know that we all fall short of the glory of God. ( Romans 3:23) Duh. That’s a foundational knowledge. But it seems that, personally, I fall WAY short.

I love my Lord. I love Him with all of my heart. And my utmost desire is to serve Him completely. So WHY? Why do I continue to do the things I do? Why do I make inappropriate comments? Why do I have these lustful thoughts? Why do I, at times, even act on said lustful thoughts? Why do I gossip? Why do I get vindictive and mean? Why do I curse? Why do I just deal with my children some days and not parent them? Why do I lie?

RAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.

I am so frustrated with myself. I just keep hearing “not good enough, not good enough” in my head, like it’s on a continuous loop. And, don’t get me wrong, I know EXACTLY who is whispering that in my ear. (‘Sup, Satan?) But knowing who is doing it doesn’t make it any less exhausting. It’s like one of my very best friend’s, Leanne, said, “I just want to wake up tomorrow and be HOLY.”

This journey is far more steep and confusing than I thought it’d be.

Fear not, dear readers, this isn’t me throwing in the towel. FAR FROM IT. Turning back from my God, my Savior, my Father is NOT an option.

You know, people seem to think that Christians always have it easy. That we have everything go just as planned and have no hardship whatsoever.

Ummm…WRONG ANSWER.

Some days it seems that BECAUSE I am a Christian, things are a little harder. What people need to understand is that following God isn’t guaranteed immunity FROM the storms, but the promise of peace THROUGH the storms. (Phillipians 4:7)

Me, personally, I am plagued by so much self doubt. I want to be good enough, be pleasing, be WORTHY. I want the love and teachings of Christ to radiate throughout me and everything I say or do.

Saint Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the gospel at all times -- If necessary, use words.”

That’s my goal. That’s what I am striving for. I want it so bad I can taste it. And it feels like I am failing miserably most days.
I feel like an in depth reconciliation with my Father is in order. I think I will take THIS night and spend it alone with my God. Praising, repenting, praying, WHATEVER IT TAKES. Because separation from my Creator is not acceptable. He is my Lifesource, my Heartbeat, my Breath, my very Existence. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, I cannot survive.

Maybe that’s the reason I am struggling so badly. It seems that even with God in my sights, I lost my joy in the personal relationship I have with Him. I mean, I can talk to the One who created me, the One who loves me with no condition, the One who sent His Son to die so that I might be saved. I can talk to him, I can tell Him what I need, I can physically feel His presence through the Holy Ghost. And maybe, just maybe, I have begun to take that for granted.

It never ceases to amaze me the resolution I find in this blog. I start to blog about a situation or circumstance I am going through, and by the end of the post, I have the solution figured out! (Or at least the beginning of one.)

So, the solution I have come to today? A date with Jesus. Tonight.

Praise, prayer, repentance. And forgiveness.

Yea, God! You are Mighty. I bless Your Name forever and ever!

I went into the land of Judah...

2008-11-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

I went into the land of Judah

I will be the first to admit that some days, I let my day-to-day life get the best of me. I let myself get overwhelmed and discouraged and I lose sight of the joy that Christ Himself placed inside of me. It’s almost TOO easy to do because my life, although blessed, is far from easy.

I work a 9 to 5 job making $9.00 and hour and I raise four children alone. Connor is 10, Aubri Grace is 6, Saramichael is 2, and Rylan is 13 months. My life is a whirlwind of work, soccer practices, long division, potty training, baths, house cleaning, school projects, dinner, prayers, and bedtimes. By the end of the day, all I can do is collapse.

As a single mother, the thing I find the hardest to deal with is the financial aspect of the situation. It breaks my heart when my kids want me to buy chips for school snack or need money to buy a book at the book fair and I can’t give it to them because I simply do not have it. I never feel so alone and broken down as the days that I have to flip cushions on the couch and look in the floorboards of my Pathfinder just to try to dig up change to pay for the gas it will take to get my kids to school and myself to work. I can’t describe the embarrassment that I feel when I have to walk into a convenience store and pay for $3.32 of gas with only pennies, dimes, and nickels. It’s hard. But I do it. And I do it with a smile because I don’t want my children to worry. I would much rather them think I am a “cheap” mother than have them know we just don’t have any money.

So, this weekend, I was really upset because I was three weeks behind on our rent and our landlord was calling for it. I was so scared to tell him that I didn’t have it. I needed four HUNDRED dollars. It might as well have been a million. I had 6 bucks to my name. I prayed. I cried. I worried. I stressed out so much that the knots in my shoulders spread to my neck and gave me tension headaches so badly that I was throwing up. What was I going to do? I couldn’t lose our home!

I prayed, “God, YOU said that if I brought my tithes into the storehouse that you would open the storehouse of Heaven. YOU said that. I gave my tithes. Almost every penny I had, God. Move this mountain. I need You to move this mountain!”

No answer.
Nothing.
Nada.

By Monday morning, I was a basket case. I was crying to my friend and I told him, “It is SO hard to praise God when I am asking Him for something that I NEED and he is not helping. But I will press. I will praise Him and love Him and honor Him because, at the end of the day, no matter what, He is GOD. He made all of this- the trees and the skies and the grass. Four hundred dollars seems like the end of the world to me, but it’s nothing to Him.” I looked at my friend (who is NOT a believer) and said “God will have this handled by the end of the day. Watch and see.”

Naturally, he laughed.

So, at 12:00, still nothing. I had almost made up my mind to call my landlord and deal with the consequences. But first, I drove out to the city park. I parked my truck underneath some oak trees and I put in a Judy Jacobs cd and began to praise God. I began to honor Him, magnify Him. I cried out to Him, fervently, DESPERATELY. I began to speak in tongues. The presence of God was so thick in that Pathfinder, I could hardly breathe. At that moment, I truly gave my problem over to God. Not just SAYING I had and in reality still be holding on to it. I gave it to Him.

I dried my eyes, fixed my JACKED UP mascara, and drove back to work. I sat down at my desk at 1:00 P.M.

At 1:30 P.M., a friend of mine stopped by my workplace. He said he’d been saving up for my Christmas present but he wasn’t going to be in town on Christmas, so he was going to give it to me early. He handed me an envelope. We stood there and talked a few minutes and he left. I sat down at my desk and opened up the envelope. All I saw were 20 dollar bills. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way. I began to count the money in the envelope. The twenties came to an exact total of FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.

THAT’S THE GOD I SERVE. A mighty, all knowing, right now God. A God who hears His children and answers their prayers just in time.

I took the money to my landlord and promised him next month I wouldn’t be behind. He told me that I didn’t have to pay rent in December because I had four kids and he wanted them to have a good Christmas. I am crying as I type this. My God not only gave me what I needed, he also gave me the ability to give my children what they WANTED this Christmas.

My friend, Leanne, sent me this devotion and it makes SO much sense…

Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2008

"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).

David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."

When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.

I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
11:32 AM I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.

"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).

It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.

That was what God wanted from me. He wanted to see if I would praise Him in the storm. As Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15).

PRAISE THE NAME OF THE LORD FOREVER! He has blessed me and though sometimes the road gets rough, I will trust Him and he will ALWAYS provide.

Dear Future Husband,

2008-11-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

I write poetry, love cooking, bake cupcakes on a regular basis, drink chocolate milk at night, have a fabulous knowledge of all things random and obscure , know every Fefe Dobson, Mandy Moore, and Hawthorne Heights song and dance to "Walking on Sunshine" in my underwear when no one’s looking, and could probably make you laugh until milk shoots out of your nose EVEN IF YOU WEREN’T DRINKING MILK AT THE TIME.

So wife. Yet so single.

XOXO,

Holli

P.S.) You're taking too long!

I see you...

2008-11-13T13:34:00.001-08:00

reading my blog.

You are now officially one of the cool kids. :)

Lord, give me patience because if I pray for strength, I'll beat them to death

2008-11-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

If you read this blog regularly, you will remember a few days ago that I had some issues with the racism that is prevelant down here in the South. It's infuriating and it's exhausting. I am not going to get back into it because it'll rile me up again. However, I DO want to give you this screenshot of my hometown newspaper just to prove my point.

If you can't see it clearly, here is the link...http://www.cairomessenger.com/content.aspx?Module=Quickpage&ID=2914&MemberID=1314.

Look how small the headline is announcing Barack Obama won the PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES. Then notice how HUGE the headline is for the local white men that won the election.

UGH! I can has justus?

Discuss.

10 minutes to Wapner...

2008-11-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

I can remember stuff. Random stuff. It's a bit freakish at times, really.

I can tell you almost any county that a town in Georgia belongs to. I can tell you names, addresses, phone and fax numbers of all of our car dealerships. I can tell you vendors account numbers from my payable schedule. I can tell you who we paid for what service and if we received a W-9 from them.

All from memory.

So, do you know what my boss called me today?

RAINMAN.

I spit my drink all over my desk.

DUDE. That is FUNNY.

Oh yeah...before I forget...

2008-11-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

My super nifty tshirt design. I have already sold four!

Heck. Yes.

The Bible verse on the shirt is Proverbs 31:30. It says "Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." And at the bottom it says, "Boaz is coming." If you are a reader of my blog, you will know what this means. If not, catch up, peoples!

Can I get a witness?

2008-11-04T09:55:00.001-08:00

This will be a “venting” post and I pray that I am able to put my feelings into words with the love of Jesus, and not hatefulness.

But let me tell you. I am RILED UP.

I live in the great state of Georgia. More specifically, I live right smack in the middle of South Georgia. And although there are a lot of good people here, there are also a lot of prejudiced, hateful rednecks. I was born here. I was raised here. But I am not from here, I can tell you that much.

I have never been a person that would judge someone else solely on the color of his or her skin. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, right? I have always, ALWAYS judged people by their actions, beliefs, and words.

So, when I was sitting around with my family last night discussing the election, and one person (who shall remain un-named) made THIS comment in front of myself and my children, “ Whoever votes for that n***er Obama must not know it’s called a WHITE House”, it shall suffice to say that I went INSANE on them.

That word turns my stomach. It is a word used for degradation and hatefulness and I will not tolerate it in any shape, fashion, or form. My children know this. They have also been taught WHY I don’t tolerate it and WHY it is not acceptable to use. And they don’t use it, either.

Why? Why would a grown, supposedly educated adult make a statement like that? These are not the days of segregation. These are not the days where white people were treated as first class citizens and black people second.

You CANNOT justify to me hanging a black man by a rope from a tree because he dared speak to a white man’s wife. You CANNOT justify to me making a black person walk in the street so a white person can walk on the sidewalk. You CANNOT justify to me a “colored people use the back door” sign. You CANNOT justify to me an elderly black woman being told to give up her bus seat so that an able bodied white man can sit down. You CANNOT justify to me books being thrown at two black college students’ heads because they had the nerve to attend a white college.

You CANNOT. You CAN’T. You CAN’T. You CAN’T.

Why?

Because it was WRONG.

And THAT’S why it CHANGED.

People need to get their freaking head in the game. We are all God’s children. I don’t want someone calling me degrading names because I’m white. It’s ridiculous.

Barack Obama is a well educated, articulate man. He has accomplished much and I certainly applaud and admire him for that.

Am I voting for him? No. I am voting for John McCain. Is it because Obama is black and McCain is white? No. I would never be so ignorant and prejudiced as to vote solely on race. And that comment is directed to both black and white.

I put time, thought, and effort into my decision. I went to both candidates’ websites. I read. I researched. I LEARNED. There are certain things that I agree with Obama about and there are things I disagree with. The same goes for John McCain.

But in the end, McCain’s beliefs and values as well as his record and agenda line up with my own beliefs. I prayed. I talked to God. And then I made my decision based on what each candidate stood for, NOT the color of their skin.

When will people realize that we are only hurting ourselves by acting this way?

I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I assure you I didn’t mean to. I just get so frustrated with this region and their overall backwards way of thinking. The thought of racial injustice just INFURIATES me. And even to this day, where I live, it continues in a way. And I am sick of it.

I can’t speak for everyone. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

And HE loves us ALL.
Praise God.

I got a dollar, I got a dollar, I got a dollar...HEY HEY HEY HEY

2008-11-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

So….

I have a seekrit.

I was playing on the internets the other day, looking at t-shirts and I wondered, “How do they do that?” I mean, what process does it take to come up with the designs, the graphics, the transfer to fabric?

Being the SUPER DUPER nerd that I am, I googled it and did a little research. Once I checked it out, I thought, “Hey…I can do that!” (Because with four kids, a soccer schedule of games for the older ones, a full time job, and church, I apparently also need a hobby because I don’t have enough to do.)

I went to my trusty laptop and began to doodle around with Microsoft Publisher. And that, my friends, is how my designing addiction began. Once I started, I couldn’t stop! I got out a sketchpad and the ideas began to flow. All of my designs were Christian themed, of course. Lol.

Dreams of my very own business began to dance in my head. I was so overwhelmed with inspiration that I started to think, “God, is this what You would have me do?” And through lots of prayer to my Saviour, I honestly feel as though His answer is YES. What better way to get the word out about what our God and Father has done for us? I jotted down the beginnings of a business plan. I designed my business cards. I talked with my friend, Skye, about the t-shirt screen-printing process. (Her parents own a screen-printing business…BONUS!)

In true Holli fashion (which is to say, when I decide to do something like this, I throw my entire being into it) I wanted to see what my design would actually LOOK like on a shirt. So, I made one. I used a transfer sheet and handcrafted some parts and it came out looking RAD.

(Yes, I just said RAD.)

So rad, in fact, that when I wore it to work the next day, the finance manager asked where I’d bought it. “Bought it? Huh? OH…No, I MADE this myself.” He asked if I’d make one for his girlfriend. He said he’d buy it.

Heck. Yes.

I made the shirt and gave it to him today. And then he handed me $20. My very first sale for my business. I can’t even TELL you how excited I am! And I have two more orders for the very same shirt. I will try to put up a picture by tomorrow.

You guys!!!! I am so so so so so excited!

What is the name of my new business, you ask?

Preachpreacher byholli

This is the beginning of something wonderful!

Praise Jesus for in Him is all things.

The day the world stopped

2008-10-28T09:58:00.001-07:00

This week…it’s a hard week for me. It’s the same way every year. From October 27th to October 31st, it’s a week full of memories, sadness, and regret.

In 1996, I was 16 years old. Invincible, it seemed. We all thought we were. Then I got a phone call that would change my life forever. Four of my friends had been in a horrific car wreck. One survived with what we would later find out were to be lifelong injuries, one died on scene, the other as he was wheeled through the OR doors, and the fourth, my first love, two days later as his family decided it was time to let go of only the shell of their son.

Invincible? Not even close.

I met Zack when he and my cousin, Josh, became friends in first grade. No interest then, of course, but years later, when I was 12, I was visiting my cousin, Kelly. She lived out in the country, right down the road from where Zack and his brother, Zeb, lived with their parents. It was summer and we would walk the old roads, explore the woods, climb the trees, and pick flowers all day long until we were called in for supper. It was this summer that Kelly decided she wanted Zeb to be her boyfriend. It was this summer that she also decided I would like Zack so that Zeb would play with us.

There was one problem…I didn’t like Zack. I thought he was ugly.

Add to that the fact that we attended different schools and that was that. All of which I presented to Kelly as reasons I could not POSSIBLY like him. However, Kelly had other plans. I was a timid, shy little thing at this age. Kelly was not. She was tough and liked getting what she wanted. She wanted me to like Zack. So, instead of confrontation, I figured I might better just do what she said!

(Sidenote: It was more my fear of what my tougher cousin would do if I didn’t. She never actually threatened me. Lol)

We started seeing Zack and Zeb everyday. Mind you, this was an innocent age. No bad stuff going on. And over that summer, I began to fall in love. It was the first time I’d ever been in love. I was only 12, remember? Trouble was, Zack didn’t like me the way I liked him. And the more he DIDN’T want me, the more I hung on his every word, felt butterflies when he was around me, and the more I just wanted him to be my BOYFRIEND.

I started doing what any lovesick 12 year old would do…I got my friends to “talk to him.” I started writing him letters telling him how much I liked him and I’d do just ANYTHING to be his girlfriend.

(Yeah, I know. I can see you rolling your eyes now.)

This was all going on about the time that my mom and I were having some issues and I decided that I wanted to live with my Daddy. (Who coincidentally lived a mile from Zack.) This meant I had to change schools. My dad left for work early in the morning so he asked Zack’s mom if I could walk down to their house in the mornings and catch the bus with her boys. And she said yes! (SQUEEEE!!!!)

So I saw him everyday. I would cry at night and beg God to make him love me. I dedicated songs to him on the radio. ( I am the ORIGINAL psycho stalker, ya heard?)

And then, a glorious thing happened…Zack told me he liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. ZOMGAH! I was the luckiest girl on the planet. His mom even painted “Holli and Zack” on the Easter eggs that year!

Zack was my world and everything in it. He was my first kiss, my first French kiss, my first dance. He taught me how to hold hands with fingers intertwined…”like Haley and Jeremiah do.” (That was his cousin and her boyfriend.)

We’d go for walks and lay in the honeysuckle bushes, we’d climb on top of Haley’s shed and look at stars. We’d sneak kisses behind the church on Wednesday nights. On Christmas, he gave me a little diamond ring and a Looney Tunes watch that played music. I was in Heaven. We dated (if that’s what you even call it at that age…lol) off and on for 3 years. You know how fickle young love can be. We’d date someone else and realize we wanted each other back then breakup all over again.

When we were 15, he started dating a girl named Kim and they loved each other very much. We never dated again, but we were always friends. And I was okay with that. Zack had been my first EVERYTHING and I knew I’d always love him but our time as children learning about love and relationships had run its course.

Fast forward a year.

The Bronco they were in had a tire that blew out. They were driving pretty fast. Tracy couldn't get control of the truck and it went airborne right into a light pole. They were ejected from the vehicle. The transformer fell on Brandon. He died instantly. We don’t know if it was from electrocution or just the sheer weight of the transformer. The ambulance rushed Zack and Tracy to the ER. Tracy had severe head trauma and they were both unconscious. Tracy died as they were taking him into the OR.

Phone call. Crying. Hysterical. Every teenager in four counties flying to the emergency room. The parking lot was full of my friends and family. Everyone was crying. I remember Tracy’s mom pulling up and she was met at her car by police officers. I will never forget her scream. Her tears, her agony, her disbelief. It was like I was seeing everything in slow motion. I saw her crumple in a heap on the pavement, being held in her husband’s arms. I saw his little brother with silent tears running down his face.

It was in THAT moment I knew my life would never be the same again.

We went inside trying to find Zack’s mom so she could tell us something, anything. Her face said it all. Zack was in ICU. He hadn’t regained consciousness. He was on several machines that were doing the work his body couldn’t do. They asked if I wanted to go in but I couldn’t. Not yet.

This all happened on a Sunday. We stayed at the hospital day and night. We slept in waiting room chairs. We ate from the cafeteria. I was afraid to leave. But I did leave. I had to go to the funeral home to Tracy and Brandon’s viewing. I went back immediately to the hospital. Zack’s mom told us the doctor’s were running test to determine the amount of brain damage. Then they would decide what the next step was going to be.

She asked if I wanted to go in. I knew, at this point, I had to. I had to see him. Had to talk to him, touch him. One more time. Just in case.

And I wish every day that I hadn’t. He was swollen to three times his original weight. He was battered. He looked so helpless. I grabbed his hand and told him I loved him. And then I went back out into the waiting room and spent the night.

The next day, I had to leave again to go home and shower and to go to Tracy and Brandon’s back to back funerals. We left right after it was over to go back to the hospital. When we got there, Mrs. Janet was outside and she was crying. She took my hands and said “Baby, we let him go.” It was then I understood just why Tracy’s mom had crumpled because I did the same thing as my knees gave way on the pavement in front of the hospital doors. I still have the scars on my knees.

Zack was brain dead. He would never live without the help of machinery again. He’d never regain consciousness. He’d never BE. His parents had chosen to let him go when everyone left to go to the funerals so that they could have their moment alone with him. And they waited on us to get back so that they could be the ones to tell us that our friend, their son, had died. This was October 29, 2008. He was buried on October 31st.

So, you see, this is a hard week for me. For all of us, every one of us that were teenagers when this happened, for everyone who was at that hospital, and even for those that weren’t.

I relive it in my head, over and over. And I miss and I regret and I cry. I wear the watch Zack gave me when I was 12 for that entire week every year. The face busted, the leather is worn, the hands are gone, and it no longer plays music. But I wear it in memory of my friend, my first love, the boy who taught me everything about being “ a for real couple.” I wear it for him.

In Loving Memory
Zackery Thomas Wiggins

November 14, 1980-October 29, 1996

Happy Birthday Kayden!

2008-10-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

My niece, Kayden, is 6 today! Everyone wish the princess well!

And I will make you fishers of men...

2008-10-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised (and still live) in South Georgia. I know the country. I wear my hair in a ponytail, I ride four wheelers, I know how to shoot a gun. So, the logical assumption would be that I also know how to fish, right?

WRONG.

I have never fished. Not once. Ever.

That is, until Saturday when I mentioned that little tidbit to J.

Who JUST SO HAPPENED to be fishing with his mom and Debbie at Debbie's house. Who also immediately burst into laughter when he realized I wasn't kidding.

So, I was given a fishing pole. I looked at him and asked what exactly I was supposed to do with it. And he laughed. He baited my hook with bloody liver. (Um...EW) and cast out the line. Honestly, people, it was like "Who's on First?".

Have you ever seen a rod and reel? Have you ever tried to use one? Who invented these things?

After fighting with THAT contraption for a while (and failing MISERABLY, I might add), J decided to give me a Brim Buster, which is basically a fishing pole without a reel. (Thank you, Jesus.)

And then, a wonderous thing happened...I caught my first fish EVER!

Heck. Yes.

It was a teeny tiny baby catfish. So tiny, in fact, that I chose not to photograph it for posterity. But thankfully, I did happen to catch another. And this one was bigger. I wanted to take a picture of just the fish, but J insisted that the fisherman has to actually take the picture WITH their fish. So, I did it his way.

Then, in true Holli fashion, I ALSO did it MY way. Because the way I figure, it was my fish and I could do what I wanted with it. Right?

So, watch out, catfish! J may have created a monster.

As promised...

2008-10-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Rylan's first birthday party was a smash! Little cowboys and cowgirls came from all over the Wild West to celebrate. Some of the cutest photos are here..

Sooner than you thought

2008-10-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know what I’m going to say in this post, but I have some things that I need to get out. I’ll just let this post go where God leads it.

First of all, (and this may seem random and unrelated, but keep it in the back of your mind, it’s going to tie in), on Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon about Ruth and Naomi. In that story, there’s a man named Boaz who owned the field Ruth worked in. He came to the field and fell in love with Ruth. And he married her. My pastor put his hand on my shoulder, looked in my eyes, and said “Boaz is coming. Get ready.”

Okay..soooooo….

I have a very dear friend that I have been praying for for some time now. He and I actually used to date (and I use that term loosely) around November/December of 2007.

I fell in love with him the first time I ever saw him. He came to see his brother that worked with me here at the dealership. (His brother, G, is one of my very best friends in the entire world.) I didn’t act on it at the time because he was married. (And, of course, I didn’t tell anyone about the falling in love part. You folks are the first ones to know that little tidbit.)

He left his wife months later. It had nothing to do with me because, at that point, I think I’d only ever spoken two words TOTAL to him. But I digress. His brother, G, was coming out with my friends and I for my friend, Skye’s, birthday. And J tagged along. We pretty much started seeing each other from that point. Not exclusively on his part, but definitely exclusive on mine. I was just CRAZY about him. He’d literally JUST gotten out of a five-year marriage and wasn’t planning on settling down so he broke it off with me. His family had never really approved anyway because, like I said, JUST gotten out of a marriage…one that wasn’t legally over yet and I think they hoped for reconciliation between the two of them because they loved them both so much. And here I was, Ms. Hoochie, preventing the reconciliation. (Or at least, that’s what it must have seemed like.)

So, I cried because, for some unknown reason, I felt deep in my heart like I’d lost something huge. Somehow, we remained friends. We talked almost every day about everything and we became really close. It was, and still is, a beautiful, genuine, true friendship.

A few months ago, J started going off the deep end. Sleeping with this one and that one, drinking, doing drugs, blowing the money he needed to run his business. It bothered me to see him destroying all he had worked so hard to build and we even had the “What the hell are you thinking?” conversation. Which led to nowhere because he wasn’t hearing it.

(And let me just mention that he KNEW better because not only is his father a preacher, but J used to be a strong man of God.)

I was so worried. I begged him to change which just made him think that I was trying to “be with him” when that wasn’t it at all. Because, although, I did love him, loving him didn’t mean he had to be happy with me. It just meant that I wanted him to be happy. To be OKAY.

(This post is certainly rambling and I do apologize, but if you’ll bear with me…I promise it’s going somewhere.)

I started going back to church a few months ago, after I was delivered from that demon (and, trust me, that is a post in itself) and J has been heavy on my heart since I came back to God.

We have been through it. I have cried out to God so many nights for J. Begging him to protect him, to save him, to love him. Begging for resolution. Just BEGGING. And getting nowhere, it seemed.

The church I attend is pastored by a true man of God. A willing servant who speaks with wisdom and authority. I am very lucky to be under his care. He talks with me constantly, gives me the Word and knowledge I need to fight my spiritual battles, and never judges me. I have come to love he and his wife and they have come to love me as well.

That pastor and his wife are J’s parents. Isn’t God good? He mended that relationship that we had, although never fully formed, was still broken. They see me for who I am now and not who I was a year ago. They know that I care a lot about J and also that we talk a lot. And they are okay with that, which means a lot to me.

On Sunday, I talked to J and then went to church. And I didn’t know why but I began to mourn for him in my spirit. I squalled the entire church service. Every time J’s dad would say something that made me think of him, I’d just burst into tears. I was upset, I was grieved. I even went outside during the church service and CALLED him because I was so worried that something was seriously wrong. No answer. OF COURSE. I went back in and began to write in the book that I use to take notes on the sermons that are preached. I wrote from my heart without thinking. When I was done, I looked at what I’d written. It was a prayer to God for J. I wrote “My J, oh God, my J. Please help him. I love him. Save him. Protect him.” Then I wrote “Help him” over and over and over. I went to the altar and got on my knees and began to pray for J. I could not understand why I was so distraught for no apparent reason.

Church continued and my friend, G, got up to take a phone call. It was J, saying he was going to church. Not ours, but CHURCH! He was going to church! It was then I knew why I had been grieving and praying for him so hard. He caught the end of that church’s service that night, and when I texted him to ask how it’d gone, he replied that he was talking to Bishop. (Bishop is a family friend, a prophet of God… I knew if J was talking to him that something mighty was going on.)

And it was. J came to our revival service last night. And he was called out by a prophet of God. He was delivered and demons were cast out. I saw him cry before God and I bowed in awe. All I could say was “Thank you, Jesus” over and over and over. I was crying and I couldn’t breathe but I couldn’t stop rejoicing. I realized in THAT moment how much I DO love him. And not in the friendship kind of way. I LOVE him. How did I not see that? And just what the heck am I supposed to do with THAT? I had prayed for his deliverance and for his reconciliation with God long and with all of my might. I won’t get into all that happened because now I am getting to my point.

J rededicated his life to Christ last night. His dad, my pastor, put his hand on J’s shoulder and announced to the church, “Boaz is here.”

(Remember the beginning of this post? No? Go back. Okay…now. GET IT?)

Boaz? Huh?

I don’t get it. I was told two months ago that God was sending my husband, that it would come out of nowhere, that it would be very sudden. J hasn’t come out of nowhere. I’ve had him in my life in some capacity for a year. Naturally, I am having trouble wrapping my head around this. I am confused and my God says He is not a God of confusion. (1 Corinthians 14:33)

Add to all of this mind blowing yumminess that J seemed weird and awkward with me after church. He won’t answer my texts or calls. (And, YES, in case you’re wondering, I STOPPED calling after he didn’t answer the second time.) I just texted him and let him know that I am here when he needs me. If I know J, and I do, he knows there are some things in his life that he has to deal with and, ultimately, REMOVE and I imagine that is weighing heavy on his mind. But I saw the conviction in his face last night and I also saw him set his mind to serve God. And when this man sets his mind to something, that’s pretty much it. He’s as stubborn as they come.

I am so confused. Is he my Boaz? Or not? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Because, let me tell you, AND YOU CAN TAKE THIS TO THE BANK, the devil will get in there and try to make something SEEM like it’s from God just to make you think it’s the right thing and lead your butt right on down the wrong path.

(ZOMGAH! I JUST figured out what the purpose of this post is! Lol. God is GOOD, isn’t He? This post is to help YOU know what to do when something seems right but you’re just not quite sure. GOD IS TALKING TO YOU. Aren’t you lucky that He loves you THAT much? That He would use this little ol’ blog that seems like it’s about nothing in particular to speak DIRECTLY to your heart. Put yo’ hands up, child of God. You’re about to get a message from the Father!)

The answer to the questions I just asked myself (and that you may be asking yourself about a situation going on in your own life) is…BE STILL. Pray. God is not a god of confusion. If you (and ME!) seek Him, ask Him to reveal His Will, that’s exactly what He’ll do! All I have to do is…NOTHING! If I just sit here and wait, my God will give me clarity. And He will show me beyond a shadow of a doubt what is of Him and what is of the devil.

All I can do is to keep my thoughts holy. Keep them pure. And if God means for J to be my Boaz, then He will show me in a mighty way. A way that I won’t question. And if J, is NOT my Boaz, that’s okay, too. Because although I love him (and Lord knows I do…more than I even realized) if he’s not my Boaz…then Boaz is coming. And whoever he is (and WHEREVER he is) God is handpicking him just for me. How can I argue with a decision like that? J

So, I will wait. I will wait until God reveals His Plan. I will be a Proverbs 31 woman. And I will be in constant prayer to my Savior.

I hope you guys got something from this rambling post…I know that, at least for me, I got an answer directly from my God as to what I’m to do.

Wait.
Boaz is coming.

Waiting Game

2008-10-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Did ya read Ruth yet? You did? Sweet!

Now I have some bad news. Sort of.

Have you ever been so wrought up in spirit that you just don't know what to think about a certain situation? That's what I'm going through. There are some things about Mr. Boaz that I need to pray on before I bring it to you guys.

I've got to be still and let God speak to me.

Don't worry. It's coming, I promise. You will understand it all soon. I just need a little clarity before I go out on this limb.

Boaz is coming. Heck. Yes.

2008-10-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

A little cryptic, I know. I'm getting ya'll ready for a story.

But first I'll need you to read Ruth 1-4, so you'll understand what I have to say. I'll give you a couple of days to get ready.

Why are you still reading?

Seriously?

GO!

Preparedness is KEY

2008-10-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

And can I just say that I am so prepared that it's not even FUNNY.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A.Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B.A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C.A waterbed? ; __Yes __No
D.A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E.A tattoo? __Yes __No
F.Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.

ESSAY SECTION:
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________ ______ _______

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________
Mother's Signature and Father's Signature
________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi / State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.

Just in case you are approved, you should prepare yourself, and start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy ) :

Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early'.'

Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.The camouflaged face at the window is mine

The End (for now)

Confessions from the bathroom

2008-10-09T14:28:00.000-07:00

Sounds pretty gross, huh?

As bad as I hate to disappoint, this will not be THAT kind of post. (*laughs*)

I have been having a rough couple of days. Yesterday was craptastic and I will be the first to admit that I have had a HORRIBLE attitude this week. I have been mean and hard hearted to my co-workers and, really, just my general outlook has sucked. I’ve been praying, reading my Bible but still, Mean Holli would not go away.

I got to work this morning with my sucky attitude and, after talking to Debbie (the AWESOME woman of God whom I am lucky enough to share an office with), we decided that I needed a serious adjustment. But where, oh where, was I to do this overhaul?

(*think, think, think*)

Oh HAI, Employee bathroom!

So, I click clicked my little high heels into the bathroom and began to get down. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God to take this spirit of contention and cruelness away. I thanked Him for being my Father, my Savior, my God.

And I felt nothing. No “fix-it”, no rush of peace, no feeling of His Presence whatsoever. NOTHING.

I began to get angry. I could feel rage well up inside of me. What was separating me from God’s love? What? It wasn’t fair. I was trying. I was doing everything I knew to do! Then it dawned on me…who is the ONE person whose heart’s desire is to separate us?

Uh…yeah…hey Satan…WHUDDUP?
Think you can come over here for a minute? We just GOTS to talk.

I started rebuking that devil. OUT LOUD. I let him know that this was not going to be working.

“I am a child of God. I am covered by the blood of Jesus. I REBUKE these lies you tell me, I REBUKE this spirit of contention and meanness. You LOSE.”

Man, if someone had happened by that bathroom, they would have thought a white girl had lost her mind. And, do you know what? I didn’t care.

As soon as I had put Satan in his place, verbally lashed him from head to toe…that’s when God showed up. I felt Him all over me. I bowed in awe…His love was so overwhelming, so REAL. Tears of joy were streaming down my face because I knew, in that moment, that He would never leave nor forsake me. I felt the Holy Spirit, I started speaking in tongues. That little bathroom at that car dealership had something Holy filling its very walls. And, in that small test of obedience, I had been redeemed once again.

How lucky and blessed am I to serve a God that loves me so?

Maybe sometimes that’s what we need to do to the Devil. Speak the Truth over him. Claim the Blood of Jesus OUT LOUD. Remind him who we belong to. Let him know he has no place, no right, and no claim to our life whatsoever. And he can just go to HELL.

I know this blog has a lot of “religion” on it and that may not be some people’s cup of tea. And if it’s not, they may feel free not to read this. I don’t say that with a mean spirit, I just say it with honesty and conviction. This is not my “religion”. This is my faith, my love, my eternity, my LIFE. It is my everything. I am not ashamed nor will I apologize for it. There are people who want to discourage me and even laugh about the changes I have made. But I will not listen. I WILL NOT BE MOVED. I will live my life to please my Father and hopefully, these people will not only see me speak it, but witness me LIVING it…and maybe, just maybe, they’ll want to know who this God is that I serve and give their life to Him as I have.

So, for all of you people who have read this and think I’m nuts…and to the ones who have read it and know that I’m NOT…

You’re both right.

I’m off to church. Come on with me and get you some of this joy.

PEACE.

I've come to realize...

2008-10-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

1. I've come to realize that my boobs are...
none of your business. I said it. WHAT.

2. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I should NOT be textually active

3. I've come to realize that I need...
to give God more of my day.

4. I've come to realize that my heart...
is an Achilles Heel. Plain and simple.

5. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people are racist and willingly ignorant. The “n” word makes my stomach turn.

6. I've come to realize that when I'm upset...
I do NOT need to be around people.

7. I've come to realize that money...
must think I have a life threatening allergy to it.

8. I've come to realize that certain people...
need you and you may not know it.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
loyal to those I love no matter what.

10. I've come to realize that the person/people I care most about...
are my children. Because with them I never have to wonder where I stand. Their love is always and will always be there.

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...
is a mini computer and it makes me have a nerdgasm just to own it.

13. I've come to realize when I woke up this morning...
it was with my two year old's dragon breath in my face. Not. Cool. Saramichael.

14. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I was praying for a very close friend of mine. I love him so much. I want him to be okay.

15. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
a lot of things and I need to relax.

16. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace...
I like to look at everyones page and see what they've changed.

17. I've come to realize that today ...
is my 4 mile run day. Jeez.

18. I've come to realize that tonight...
I am gonna be elbow deep in dishes, kids homework, and fabric samples.

19. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...
be at church. HECK. YES.

21. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this...
has to be as bored as I am!

22. I've come to realize that life...
is never predictable.

23. I've come to realize that this weekend...
I am probably gonna be in traction after this race.

24. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset ...
is anything by Five Times August.

25. I've come to realize that friends...
are few and far between. The important ones are always there.

26. I've come to realize that this year....
has been something else.

Just a lil' teaser...GOSH.

2008-10-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

My son, Rylan, had his very first birthday yesterday.

"What kind of mother doesn't blog about it on the day it happens?", you may ask.

Ummmm...the single kind with FOUR kids. Yep. You read that right. F-O.

Fo'.

However, in order to redeem myself, I hereby promise a long, sweet, reflective, picture filled blog after his birthday party on Saturday instead of this short craptastic one you are getting right now.

So, simmah down. It's gone be alright, yo.

(Could I BE any whiter? lol.)

Epic FAIL

2008-10-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

Some of the things I will write on this blog will be very hard for me. I will admit things that I don’t normally tell people in the hopes that some of my struggles, successes, and even failures will help someone to see that they aren’t the only one who goes through these things. I seriously struggled with the decision to even write this post because there is someone out there that I care about and I worried that, if he read this, that it might hurt his feelings. Which is the last thing I ever want to do.

But do I compromise the honesty of this blog, the honesty of my life, the honesty of what I am actually going through as a woman of God in order to protect someone else?

And the answer is no.

That may seem harsh to some of you and I apologize. But who am I if I can’t be completely forthcoming about myself? I decided that if someone can’t accept me, faults and all, that there is a reason for that.

So, what brought all of this on? I disappointed myself and God this weekend. An ex and I had sex.

“Wow. That’s it? I thought you were going to tell us you killed someone!” I can really hear you saying that in my head. And, the truth is, I did kill someone. I killed a little piece of myself. A piece of myself that I’d given to God and promised to keep pure and holy until He sent my husband.

You may think I am crazy as hell when I tell you this and I don’t care. A few months ago, God delivered me from a demon that was living inside of me. A demon that had had a hold on me for a very long time. I felt it PHYSICALLY leave my body. And I thought that it was gone for good. But I have learned that Satan will never stop coming against God’s chosen. And that is exactly who I am. GOD’S CHOSEN.

It’s hard. It’s hard to be single and it’s hard to be lonely. It’s hard to see people holding hands and kissing and knowing that I don’t feel that passionate about anyone in my life. It’s hard to see them being so happy, and so IN LOVE. I want to have that. I want to feel that. And I don’t. It makes me sad.

I get so impatient. I plead with God to send my husband swiftly. And I wonder why He doesn’t. It gets frustrating and I feel like I’m just doing it all for nothing.

Then God does something SO extraordinary that I remember I serve a living God, an awesome God, an All Knowing God, a CAPABLE God who sees and knows my needs even when I don’t.

“What in the world are you talking about, girl?” Let me tell you.

I was on my knees before God Sunday morning in the middle of my living room. I was crying out, my heart was breaking. I couldn’t understand why I did what I did; I couldn’t understand why I had failed so miserably. And most of all, my heart was broken because I knew that I had hurt my God. The One who loves me and holds me when no one else does. I hurt HIM.

I couldn’t understand why He loves me so much when I felt SO unworthy. I do the same things over and over. My faith, my service to him means so much to me and yet, I had once again treated it as though it meant NOTHING.

I cried and prayed and repented all the way to church. I felt grieved in my spirit and I felt as if asking God to forgive me was pointless because I was so unworthy and such a disappointment. At this point, I hadn’t talked to my pastor about any of this.

As I was listening to his sermon, he began to preach about the woman at the well. The woman who had been with several men and was ostracized for it. The woman that Jesus took time to talk to, took time to call out, took time to FORGIVE. He began to shout and get caught up in the Spirit. (Did I mention we’re Pentecostal?) I was praying to God silently, “Please Lord. PLEASE take this lustful desire from me. PLEASE.)

SILENTLY.

My pastor walked straight over to me and pointed so close to my face that I jumped back. And the words he said made my heart shout. He said, “God took it away from you that day. IT’S GONE.”

THAT’S the God I serve. A God who will use someone that knows nothing about my situation to give me an OUTRIGHT answer to a sincere request. A God who gives CONFIRMATION when I need it the most.

This post was painful for me to write. I feel naked, like my innermost heart is exposed. But if that’s what it takes to be closer to my Father, then that is what I will do.

I am disappointed in myself. But I also know that that sin I committed…it is GONE. It is on the bottom of the ocean floor. (Micah 7:19) It is as far as the East is to the West. (Psalms 103:12) And God will not remember it. (Isaiah 43:25,26)

And I am under the protective grace of God once again.
Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

Mah new glasses

2008-10-06T12:58:00.001-07:00

Seriously...could a face hold any more awesomeness?

Run, Forrest, run!

2008-10-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am SO on a runner’s high right now.

I just completed my very first 5K race this morning! Heck yes, I did!

My only goal was to try not to die so I think I did pretty well. Lol. I got there at 7:45 to register and got this super cool number to SAFETY PIN to my shirt. (Obviously these people have no idea of how accident-prone I am.) Notice the coupons hanging off the bottom of it. Because you know, if they find me dead on the side of the road, they can at least get two dollars off a Runner’s ID that I apparently wasn’t using.

I also got this rad tshirt that I plan on wearing EVERYWHERE so when people ask, I can be all nonchalant like, “Yeah, I run 5K’s.” (Ya think it’d be misleading not to also let them know that that was my first one? OH WELL. Bygones.)

I started out fairly good…lots of people were passing me but that didn’t bother me at all. I decided to do this to see if I COULD. I wanted to prove it to myself. So, I ran along and wasn’t even out of breath…but OH HAI…is that a hill? Oh yes. Yes, it was. And I assure you, I was calling that hill “DADDY” by the time I got through.

At every mile marker, there is a person telling you your time. By the second mile, I just looked at the guy and was like “Yeeeeahh…I don’t even want to know.” People were passing me and I looked behind me…NO ONE WAS THERE. I was last! Sweet Lord.
But I refused to give up and persevered and made myself finish the race. My time was 36:34.

And as I dejectedly ate my after race banana and drank my water, more people started crossing the finish line. “FOR REALZ?? You mean I’m NOT last? SUH-WEET.”

I did not place, obviously, but I am still super psyched. This whole thing was about me pushing myself and completing the race, not winning it. I accomplished what I set out to do and I am very proud of myself.

Oh…and what would an “I ran a 5K” post be without a stank, sweaty, after race picture? So, here ya go? Enjoy, my peoples.

Catch ya later.
Holler.

Ryan Gosling

2008-10-01T12:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Ryan,

Please love me. That is all.

XOXO,

Holli

My best friends pictures. Let me show you it.

2008-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

This pink haired beauty would be Kristen.

Cute as a button. Mean as a snake. I am glad she’s on my side. We met two years ago and fell in love immediately.

This is Skye.

We are pretty much always together. She teaches me about recycling and being “green”. And believe it or not, she has actually made some headway.

Jenny is my oldest friend.

And also the funniest. I cannot begin to tell you just how freaking funny she is. (Or maybe she’s just socially retarded. I can’t decide.)

And last, but CERTAINLY not least is Kelly.

Kelly says things out loud that most people only THINK. She has shocked me a few times. Lol. She is the mother of FIVE kids. And still looks THAT good. Jealous much?

These are the four women that make me laugh when I am sad and calm me down when the drama llama follows me home. They are my support team and they’ll be my friends forever.

I know too much.

No, Marvin Gaye, I will most certainly NOT get it on...

2008-09-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE A TAD OFFENSIVE. OR IT MAY NOT OFFEND YOU AT ALL. I AM SORRY IF IT DOES. KTHX.

Several months ago, before I came back to God, I was a bit of a hooker. And, NO, I didn’t actually charge, I gave it away for free. (I apparently didn’t realize I was literally sitting on a goldmine. KIDDING.)

I had several guys that I dated randomly (and some I didn’t date) and I slept with them all. (Not at the same time, not in the same weekend)

I honestly didn’t realize how horrible that sounded until I wrote it just now. WOW. Let me explain a little better. For example, on Friday I may go out dancing with J. We’d have a good time, be drinking, go home and do the dirty. A couple of weeks later, I’d go out with D and we’d sleep together. I also had the owner of a pretty big nightclub in Tallahassee that liked me a little better in the bed than his fiancée and we’d get together once every couple of months.

Let’s say it all together now: SKEEEEEEZZZZZ.

Yep. That was me. WAS. WAS. WAS. Not now. Not by a long shot.

So, of course, these guys didn’t respect me. I mean, how could they? I obviously didn’t respect myself. They would call me when they wanted to get it on. And I was always a willing partner. I was confusing sex with love and I was also fulfilling a need to be held and cared about deep in my soul. Or so I thought. It was wonderful when we were together. They would kiss and hug and snuggle with me. But as soon as they left, that was it. They didn’t call or answer my calls…until they wanted to hook up again. It was a vicious cycle that had me on top of the world one minute and feeling like cheap, used trash the next. I could go a month without one of them calling me or answering my calls.

So, when I came back to God, I thought “Well, they barely call me, so this’ll be easy.” Right?

WRONG.

The devil is a crafty sucker. I will give him that. As soon as I made the decision to serve God and live my life the right way, my cell phone started BLOWING UP. I was getting calls asking for dates constantly. Even the guy that I had been CRAZY IN LOVE with and had ignored me for months started calling! Do you know how freaking hard it was to say no to him? It was physically painful. It still is.

I haven’t had sex in two months. If you know me personally, you know just how HUGE that is. If you don’t know me personally…just trust me on this one. HUGE. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING HUGE EVEN.

So, here’s the problem. I can’t get them to stop calling and texting me. I have told them the deal. I have plainly told them that that is all behind me now and I am going to try to the best of my abilities not to have sex again until I am married. (Ya’ll pray HARD.) Do you think they care? Hell no. So what do I do? I ignore them already. Will they eventually go away?

This is a situation I am really struggling with. It’s hard to be a virtuous woman but it is what I am striving for. I want to be holy in God’s eyes. I want to be HIS girl above all else. I want to be graceful and sweet. I want everything I say to be of God. I want the way I carry myself to mirror His word. I want to witness with my life and not have people feel that I am a hypocrite. And, most of all, when God finally DOES send my husband, I want him to respect and honor me and know that I am truly who he’s been praying for God to lead him to. What God puts together no man can take away. THAT’S the kind of love that I want. THAT’S why I am trying so hard.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept who I was. I’m ashamed of the way I carried myself, of the expendable way I allowed men to treat me because I had some void in my heart that needed to feel loved. Now, knowing that God loves me completely, feeling His love for me on a daily basis…I don’t have that void, that ache that I had. I just have joy- joy that I could have had all along had I not been so stubborn.

Still, I am ready for my husband to find me.

In writing this blog, I think I may have figured out the answer to my own problem. I will immerse myself so deeply into God that he has to seek Him in order to find me.

And I think that is the way it should’ve been all along.

Heck yes, I did.

2008-09-29T12:03:00.001-07:00

A year ago, at the end of September, I attended my best friend, Kristen’s, wedding. I was approximately 17 months pregnant, as evidenced by this picture:

But wasn’t I ADORABLE?

In January, after giving birth to Rylan in OCTOBER, I looked a little something like THIS:

SWOLE. Yep, I said it.

So, one evening in January, my friends and I decided to go out. I knew I still had a little baby weight on me, but I didn’t think I looked all THAT bad, so I put on my cutest outfit and away we went.

Cut to later that evening, I am at the bar and a super cute guy approaches me. We were talking and having a flirty conversation. It was going well. He asked for my number. About that time, his VERY DRUNK friend gets up behind him and whispers in his ear “No, dude, she’s pretty in the face, but she’s fat.”

PRETTY IN THE FACE? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Now, in his defense, his friend was pretty trashed and honestly did not realize he wasn’t actually whispering. And he also didn’t realize I’d heard what he’d said.

So, when I went home, I weighed myself. I hadn’t weighed myself in months (what with a newborn and all). 198 pounds. Yep. One hundred NINETY EIGHT pounds. Oh, did I mention I am 5’4”? YEEEEEEAAAAH.

I immediately decided that that just would NOT do. I am not snobby, but I AM a tad bit (well, maybe a bunch) vain and “pretty in the face” is something I cannot live with.

I went that Monday morning to my local gym and signed up. I started going 5 days a week on my lunch break. I walked a little on the treadmill and toyed with the elliptical and thought I was going to DIE. Wow, I was out of shape! But I am stubborn if nothing else and I stuck with it, literally making myself go to the gym. Then a funny thing happened-I started to LIKE going. After a few weeks, I could do more without breathing heavily, so I decided to add a little low weight strength training to my workout routine. I can’t tell you how fast the weight started dropping. By April, I was down to this size:

(Don't EVEN trip. I was camping. But cute, amirite?

I began to work out harder, as hard as I could. So much so that my shirt would look like this at the end of my workout:

I also started running three days a week up and down the streets of my small town. I LOVE it! I am able to cover about three and a half to four miles just during my lunch break! This is what I look like now, nine months after deciding to take my body back:

It was so much hard work, but so worth it in the end. I am really proud of myself. I am running my very first 5K on Saturday. I am excited!

Ya’ll wish me luck!

with a big ol' hiiiiiiiiYA, even

2008-09-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have pretty much always been an open book. When I am happy or upset or hurt, it shows all over my face. I can’t hide it. (And believe me, I have tried.)
So, when I meet guys and eventually they ask me out on a date, I am very up front and honest about the fact that I have four children. I don’t feel like it’s something I have to hide or be ashamed of. At this point in my life, I am no longer interested in one night stands or flings. It was never good for me and now that I am serving God with all of my heart, I can see it was never intended to be that way.

Besides being a Christian, being a mommy is a HUGE part of who I am. I live, sleep, eat, dream, BREATHE my children. They are my joy, my reason for living. They are basically my heart running around outside of me with arms and legs. SO, naturally, I need a man to understand right from the VERY BEGINNING that I am a part of a package. I see no point in going on two or three dates, have us each falling for each other, and then be like

“Oh, hey BY THE WAY, I have fourkidsathomeohmygoodnesscanyoupleasepassthepopcorn?”

I am not saying he will meet my kids anytime soon because I am very PICKY about who my kids meet and extremely adamant that they aren’t having men pop in and out of their lives. CALL ME CRAZY.

I say all that to say this:

(and YES I will always take the long way to the point. (character flaw)

I really freaking HATE it when I have been dating a guy for two months and then he tells me that my having children is an issue.

CRACKA SAY WHHHHAAAAT?

Like it was a surprise? A shock, perhaps?

Was I not honest? Is “I have four kids and I am a very involved parent “ in any way unclear or hard to understand? Why does that make me a bad choice for a girlfriend? I would think in our society today where children are treated as BURDENS, as EXPENDABLE, that a mommy being a mommy would be treated with respect and possibly a little admiration. Too much to ask? I think not.

I am so confused at this point. I know the Lord has someone for me, someone wonderful. (And obviously not very PUNCTAL) I just get so tired of starting over again and again with the same results. I want someone to share my life with. To share all of the big occasions and the little day to day moments that make life worth living. I am not out on some huge “I JUST GOTSTA FIND ME A HUSBAND” mission. I am just ready to have a relationship. A real one, a healthy one, a GODLY one.

But, my goodness, if I hear one more guy say that my kids are an issue, I do believe I feel a throatpunch coming on.

Oh yes. Oh yes I do.

and then she appeared...like magic!

2008-09-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

So, I’ve decided to grow up and let go of my Myspace blog, which only my friends are allowed to see, and start this brand spanking new one that everyone on the internets can read. (Run-on sentence much? Lol.)

Yes, there will be LOTS of lol’s on this blog so go ahead, accept it as reality, and move on. There will also be a lot of stories about my children because I am a single mother of four.

I suppose we better start with the basics then, no?

I am from a little country town in the lovely state of Georgia. I am a CHRISTIAN. My faith in God defines who I am but it is a constant battle to remain in the will of the Lord. I am not perfect as I am sure you will learn by reading this blog. I am a reader, a beginning runner (it’s my new obsession), a praise and worship singer, and a soccer mom. I am a walking contradiction most days. I love my friends and am outraged by willing ignorance and racism. There are many sides to me and I am excited to be sharing my life and myself with you guys.
So strap in, shut up, hold on and let’s get this thing started!